fear of flying
Saturday, August 8, 2009 at 4:46PM 
One day you're doing everything that you can to remind yourself to keep walking, feet firmly planted, one step at a time. In totally trust of the gift of gravity.
And then you're so giddy you're jumping off the ground, leaving it all behind not caring whether you float or fall and not even thinking it matters much. As long as you are experiencing joy.
But then you spend hours with your head in the clouds, looking down at what's below wondering, 'what exactly is it?'. It could be pillows to break a haphazard tumble. Or a smoke screen that distorts a rock hard landing. Or maybe an ocean? Water to break your fall and keep you buoyant. Or wait...is that the merciless Bering Sea that can swallow you whole without a second thought?
My mind has been playing tricks on me ever since my return from a fantastic trip to NY. I have changed the way I look at things somehow in those days and in the days that followed and it's keeping clarity out of my reach. I see one thing and then another. I strain my eyes to see reality but it's no use.
For various reasons I've taken some time away from the internet recently. I'm sure it seems like longer than it really has been but it feels like I've lost something. Unplugging for a while is good for the soul, this I know to be true as many of you would agree but i think a break is most nourishing when it's done on our own terms, not by the request of someone else. I just wonder that by taking time away am I weaning myself from something that keeps me imbalanced or cutting a lifeline?
I am petrified to be this high off the ground now without really understanding what is beneath me. What will catch me when I finally let go? I'll try to enjoy the view from here in the meantime, feet dangling, knowing nothing can ever be as bad as it seems. Can it?
day to day, hope
Reader Comments (11)
Don't think of it as, "keeping clarity out of reach'...think of it as 'seeing things differently'. And don't worry, IF you should fall, which I don't think you will, we'll catch you. In the meantime, enjoy the view from above!
enjoy the view my friend. it is all good. xoxo
Hmm. You last lines remind me of the uncertainty, tinged with both excitement and anxiety, of cresting the top of roller coaster. You know that you'll fall -- you'll be safe, protected but your stomach will drop and you'll shriek and maybe giggle. It's usually not as bad as you think it could be, usually much better. Of course, roller coasters are much more fun when you're with a friend!
"I have changed the way I look at things somehow in those days and in the days that followed and it's keeping clarity out of my reach. I see one thing and then another. I strain my eyes to see reality but it's no use."
I've had this happening too. I've met people who have changed everything about how I see things, and then I come home and everything's the same. And it's... good? Not so good? I don't know. It's not that simple. All I know is that there's some kind of gulf popping up between how I live and what inspires me. And so I'm just trying to occupy it as best I can.
Maybe some time away would help... I don't know. I don't think I could figure it out either. Let us know, as well as you can, how this goes, okay? Love to you sweet sister. You're not alone, where you are.
xo
hello, your blog is so beautiful. your photos are crisp and gorgeous. and change is the only constant, right.. :)
Small changes now, mean a very different path later. I actually kind of loved that I had a vacation lined up right after Chicago and checked-in with the internets far less often than I had been. I started handwriting essays again for the first time in YEARS after inspiration from Jen Lee and little things like that, just 30-45 minutes of day of intentional something different, well that's about all the change I can take right now. Sounds like all the travel + new has kept you away from center or maybe just redefined it?
Call me when you need mother earth.
Never fear Tracey. Please know that the same law of physics that keeps you on the ground governs the ability to keep you in the air...or so says Newton and Bernoulli:)
Gorgeous! Thanks for sharing. Swing on by The IE Mommy and check out mine.. "Prayer"
you so articulately express what i have been experiencing. mind tricks indeed, and the body putting it's good word in too. loudly. a need to be in, a desire to be out. thank you for diffusing my anxiety about this, learning i'm not alone.
Gorgeous photo. I could just stare at that pic and breathe out.